Over two years ago to this day, I more or less became a stoic. I decided that I would never feel for anyone again the way I had before, because I never stopped caring for all the people that left me anyways and the prospect of adding another person to that list was more than I could bear.
A little over 3 months ago something inside of me changed. I decided I was never going to let another day pass me by simply wasted away. I decided from here on out that I was going to get what I wanted out of life, consequences be damned. I was going to step out of my shell again whether or not I was sure footed and I would simply learn how to walk again along the way.
I do not regret making that decision, but I am learning the value of patience, which I feel I exercised in that I waited two months to even tell her how I felt. I let it marinate and when the time was right I made my move and as sure as I was that this would work out I was and remain deathly afraid.
Yes, there is someone in my life again.
I haven’t trusted anyone like this in years and I’m scared. I feel in over my head. I feel that I could go too far and fuck it all up. It’s not that I don’t have the faith to trust that everything will work itself out over time, it’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s because in a short time she’s already proven herself to me, but I don’t feel I have proven myself to her.
What I fear is my own insecurity, because I want to be better than what I feel I am today.
I want her to know that I’m not afraid to let go, but even while she is away, she remains for now lodged firmly in my brain.
As the day goes by I most certainly do miss her, but I would be perfectly happy just to know she’s dancing the night away freely without a care in the world.
So whatever else may come, here’s to an amazing friendship I hope will only continue to grow.
